Pirates of the Caribbean - 10 / 10

That's right folks, the first 10 / 10 so far. And it isn't a Disney animation! Who would have guessed??

I utterly adore Pirates of the Caribbean, it is a spectacular film, tainted slightly by the underwhelming sequels that followed - but we won't dwell on that, no, we will celebrate the fantastic film that this is in it's own right. 

The Curse of the Black Pearl. It even sounds amazing. 

But oddly, that wasn't my very first thought. In fact, I completely dismissed the film when I first heard of it (as a 14 year old). My dear parents gave it to me as a Christmas gift and my reaction was pretty much 'Pirates? Ha, I'm not a child anymore'

In fact, on Christmas day of 2003, when my parents and grandparents and siblings sat down to watch this new, exciting film (and my present!) - well I was busy on the computer, chatting away on AIM. 

But, I remember at one point I strolled down to see what everyone was up to. And I saw skeletons on the screen, sword fights ... Damn, that wasn't the kid's movie I had dismissed earlier. That looked incredible. 

And so, the very next day I sat down alone in my bedroom and watched Pirates. 

And again. 

And again. 

I have quite literally seen this film dozens of times. I've even watched it with the audio commentary (who even does that?). It's one of my favourite films ever. It rivals Star Wars for my affections, yes, seriously. 

So you may need to forgive a little rambling, a little heart-searching and a whole lot of misty-eyed reminiscing in this post. 

1. 
The big three.

Johnny Depp. Keira Knightley. Orlando Bloom. 

Cap'n Jack Sparrow. Elizabeth Swan. William Turner. 

There's something about these three that just worked so perfectly. 

Orlando Bloom was no longer the pretty-boy elf with perfect aim, no. Now he was the somewhat rough around the edges, good man and future pirate. He nailed this part, he was never supposed to be the fan-favourite (that would always be Depp), no he was supposed to be the good guy. The Luke to Depp's Han. 

Keira Knightley wasn't a school kid playing football any more (Bend It Like Beckham. Watch it people, it's great). Instead she was the pouty, screamy, perfectly played damsel in distress with an edge of diamond. Okay, I'm rambling, I'll talk more about Keira Knightley later ...

Johnny Depp is Jack Sparrow. I mean, he is a good actor, of course, he has had lot of other great films I wont mention here ... But for this film, he nailed it. He became iconic. And extra points for the best entrance ever. 

2.
Captain Barbosa. 

We all know how cool Jack Sparrow is ("Ah, but you have heard of me!"), but the real pirate of this movie is Captain Barbosa (A real captain, he has a ship, you know). 

When I try to talk like a pirate, I don't pretend to be the charismatic and continually drunk Captain Sparrow, no way, I would fall way short. 

No, if i want to be a pirate, I'm Barbosa. 

He has the Arrggggh nailed. He sounds perfect. 

He is perfectly evil, too. Pirates aren't good people, despite what Disney would want us to believe. Pirates tend to be bad people. And Captain Barbosa is not a good person at all. 

And that makes him the perfect pirate. 

3. 
The music. 

Yes, this is almost a certainty with any of my Disney reviews, but the music is absolutely top-notch on this film. When I look at this picture of the Black Pearl, do you know what I hear?

I hear the music that goes with it. The music that permeates the entire film and sets the tone perfectly. 

And, a special mention to Yo Ho, Yo Ho, A Pirate's Life for me .... A song so wonderfully catchy I can frequently be heard humming it whenever I have rum in my hand (which isn't often enough...)


We're devils, we're black sheep ....

4.
Keira

Keira Knightly is in my top 5. (you know the top 5 I'm talking about, wink wink, nudge nudge). But, so many people think she is wrong to be included. 

No! She should absolutely be there. 

Not only is she utterly fantastic in these films, in addition to being damn beautiful ... She also has a rum-splutteringly good pout. 

Seee? 

Swoooon. 

And, listen to the audio commentary, she is fantastic in it! She is adorable, and sweet and just ... awesome! 

She is so good, that Captain Norrington, who is a grown man at the beginning of the film when she is but a small kid, becomes infatuated with her when she is a late teen and he is an ageing (admittedly, ageing rather well) older man. 

Yeah, Disney can be creepy sometimes. 

But, to prove that I can be equally creepy, another token Keira Knightley photo. 

We're really bad eggs ...

5.
Everything else. 

I struggled to keep it to just 5 things, so I'll group the rest here and try not to spend too much time on each. 

The Pirates - every single pirate is perfect. In the same way that The Walking Dead has managed to ensure each zombie is brilliantly realised, so too has Pirates of the Caribbean ensured that each pirate is individual and jut so ... Piratey! 

The Rum. I love rum. I feel bad for poor Jack Sparrow when the rum is gone. 

Why is the rum gone? :-( 

But okay, this is a 10 / 10. and there is good reason. 

This film makes me happy. 

Disney films are all pretty emotional. Bambi's mum getting shot. The brother in Big Hero 6. The funny in Emperor's New Groove. The relief when they finally find Nemo ... 

But Pirates of the Caribbean makes me happy. This film is fun, it's enjoyable, it always brings a smile to my face (I'm starting to think I should watch it again ....)

When a film finishes, and I'm still left with a silly grin. Then that's a great film. 

When a film finishes on the 30th re-watch and that grin is still there. Well, that's a 10 out of 10 film for me. 

When I was a teenager, I would watch this film to lift my mood. When I couldn't watch the film, I would day dream about sailing off into the distance with the ones I loved, a life of freedom and adventure. 

Frankly, the idea hasn't become any less appealing to me! If anyone knows of a pirate ship for sale, you be sure to let me know! 

Drink up me 'earties, Yo Ho! 

"Not all treasure is silver and gold, mate"

Mary Poppins - 7 / 10

SupercalifragiSHUSH! 

Yeah, safe to say, this film annoyed me a lot at times. But, despite that, it was pretty fun. 

And it's another film treasured by many that I hadn't watched and didn't really have any urge to watch. 

Did I expect much? Nope. 

Did Mary Poppins amaze me? Nope. 

Julie Andrews absolutely makes this film though. Because, although I can't say I'm a huge fan of the movie, I am a huge fan of Mary Poppins. 

I'm not sure what I was expecting. An overly happy, chirpy nanny that was going to teach the children how to have fun and enjoy themselves ... that's not entirely what we found though. Which brings us neatly onto our first point ...

1. 
Mary Poppins. 

Her introduction happens as she magically blows away all of the competing nannies. Clearly, she rules with an iron fist. I like her already. 

And then! She tells us she is practically perfect in every way! What a gal! She reminds me a little of myself! 

And in fact, the entire way through the film she has the absolute best scowl when people are doing something silly, or she disapproves. She nails the 'superior' look. 

Yeah, I'm a big fan of Mary Poppins. 

2. 
Disney is always about morals. 

And here, we have three key messages shining through, some more forced than others ...

     -   The suffragettes were pretty annoying. But women do deserve more rights! 
     -   Chimney sweeps are a vital part of society, if only for their ability to sing and dance. 
     -   Fox hunting is bad! 


It's this final point that is worth noting for other reasons - mainly the films ability to inspire the very rational response of What the hell am I watching?!?!?!

3. 
Disney is weird! 

So, apart from the weird scene when the disappear into a chalk painting and help save a cheeky little fox from being torn apart .... 

But we also have the birds! Oh God, the birds. Obviously, these were days before computer generated images, so I can only assume based upon this film that the old technique was to find a bird, kill the bird, stuff the bird and then use it as a puppet. Oh my. 

And then we have the frankly bizarre laughing scene

You may remember it, they go to a house, and when people laugh the float into the air. 

What?!? But why?? What does this have to do with anything?!?!?

We may never know. 

Is it supposed to be a cautionary tale? Laughing gas is bad? Drugs are bad? 

Happiness is bad? 

Mary Poppins is my favourite! 

4. 
I do like that the older man, who works in the finance sector, had the attractive and significantly younger wife. 

Aaaaah, those were the days! 

5. 
Britain!

I like Britain, we are sophisticated. We have tea. We have proper bacon. We have football where they use their feet. 

We have the accent. 

And yet ... Britain in this movie is ... odd. 

Apparently we all know how to fly kites! What? Kites are impossible to fly! 

And there is a house shaped like a boat. It has a cannon on it. People are fine with this. Our chimney sweeps can dance, and sing. And also moonlight as one-man bands, and chalk artists. 

Is that how Americans thought of us?

Is that how they still think of us??

Is that how we really are???? Where is my cannon??? I want a cannon on my house!!!!



Yep, Mary Poppins get us thinking of the important issues. 

And so, we come to final thoughts. for much of the movie, I was thinking to myself that it cannot end soon enough. Until MP was on screen, then I was gazing into her stern yet loving face. 

And so, a 7 out of 10 is appropriate. 

(Gem wanted me to ensure everyone knew that she gave the film 9 out of 10. Perhaps showing she has lower standards than me, as if marrying me didn't prove that already!) 

"Just a moment, Mary Poppins. What is the meaning of this outrage?"

The Little Mermaid - 7.5 / 10

I hadn't watched The Little Mermaid before this. Honestly, I was prepared to be disappointed. 

But I quite enjoyed it! 

There are some bits that have me thinking 'Uuuh, why would that happen?' ... But frankly, that's the case in most Disney films! 

I did do a little bit of research, and it turns out that the Disney film is very, very different to the Hans Christian Andersen fairytale ... The original is far more bleak. Though, for a large portion, this film isn't the most cheery one. 

Though, my first thought isn't so much about the lack of cheer, but more that it isn't always ... appropriate. 

1. 

She is sixteen. 

16. 

I mean, that's pretty young, no? Young to be trading her voice for legs, young to be marrying a stranger, young to be chaperoned by only a small crab ...

I mean, I get that being the King of the Sea is a pretty tough job, but come on Triton, you need to try harder than that! An endearing tale of excellent parenting, this is not. 

Maybe I'm just being old fashioned ...

Though, her youth does potentially make the next point a little creepy, but I'm going for it anyway. 

2. 
The Little Mermaid is pretty hot! 

I'm a sucker for the red hair, admittedly. 

And sure the whole scales and tail thing would take a bit of getting used to, and she would be singing constantly (unless I remove her tongue, apparently that's an option), and she does make a series of questionable decisions throughout .... but the hair.  

So we've established I like red hair. 

Keep that in mind when I review Hercules any time soon, because there is another awesome redhead there, too. 

Let's move on ...

3. 
How does she breathe?

No gills, so we already have to wonder how she is living under water. But let's take a leap and assume her mouth has developed to allow her to breathe underwater ... 

Then she is above water, how does she breathe? 

I suppose the alternative is that she gasps for breath, splutters, chokes, coughs and then dies in a heap of misery. 

I accept that this probably wouldn't match the heartwarming tale of Mermaid meets Prince becomes human ... 

Yeah, fine. We'll put this one down to Disney magic. For the best. 

4. 
Ariel really wants to be human. Like, really really wants to be human. She gives up her voice. 

Side note: Ariel is a very cool, pretty name. Disney did good on that one. Although, come to think of it, why aren't there hoards of 20's girls called Ariel? I actually do not know a single girl called Ariel. That's weird. Surely I can't be the only one that thinks its a good name? Odd. 

Anyway, what was I talking about? Right, she wants to be human. 

She gives up her voice (her tongue in the fairytale, ew) just to be able to get some legs and the small possibility of marrying a Prince (and she's only 16!!) . 

But damn, she looks so happy with those legs! Which does beg the question - are we all mega under-appreciative of being humans?? I mean, she is a mermaid, and she wants to be a human just for the legs. 

I don't look at my legs and think 'Yeah man, I'm lucky to have these babies' - and I have good legs, they are pretty awesome. Perhaps I should. Perhaps we all should spend a little time feeling good about having legs, about being human. 

It could be worse, you could be that annoying crab. 

5. 
Ursula. 

I despise Ursula. Isn't that great? They nailed her as a villain. She manipulates a teenage girl into giving up her singing voice for the slimmest chance at happiness. That's evil. 

And yet, somehow I end up feeling a little bit sorry for her, how did that happen? 

I mean, evilness aside, she has concocted a brilliant plan. She teaches a whiney brat a lesson, gets herself a sweet singing voice, and even blags herself a Prince. 

But then, it all goes wrong. Ariel gets her voice back - not by keeping up her end of the deal, but by using violence. Hmmm, that's not the Disney moral I'm used to. 

And then ... she gets stabbed in the chest by a ship. I mean, what are the chances that your Prince (who left her at the alter) is such a good ship's captain that he can single-handedly guide a large ship around a whirlpool into your chest. 

Ursula was unlucky! 

So there we go, a pretty cool film that loses points because of a pretty odd ending. 

There is a Little Mermaid ride at DisneyWorld, I have high hopes for it. But more importantly, there is a chance I might run into this ...

I joke, of course! I'll be a married man, what do you take me for?!?!

"I've never seen a human this close before. Oh he's very handsome, isn't he?"

Beauty and the Beast - 9.5 / 10

Well, apparently my lack of adoration for Cinderella was not popular, if various tea break conversations at work are any indication.

But I think my love of Beauty and the Beast is more in-line with typical opinion! For me, it is the best Disney Princess movie there is! And that's despite it basically being a story about Stockholm Syndrome

(Side note: 'Stockholm Syndrome' is an awesome song by Muse)

But yes, considering how Beast effectively kidnapped an old man, traded that man for another human, emotionally abused said human until she fell in love with him ... well, despite that, it's a pretty romantic story.

That brings us on to point number 1 ...

1.
What the heck is his name?!?!?!?

Are we to simply call him 'Beast' for ever more? Poor guy, that's not a nickname you want, at least not unless its a reference to his ability in th .... wait, nevermind.

But nonetheless ... despite not having a name, despite being (literally) a monster, despite having a tail ... he is still worth falling in love with simply because he knows the key to a girl's heart.

He gave her an entire library!!!! I'm pretty sure that if a deranged, hairy monster showed up the day before our wedding and offered Gem her own library she'd be having second thoughts too!

Of course, he's found his perfect match ...

2.
Belle ... the crazy girl who wins your heart. Well it's a good job she is cute!

I mean, she doesn't have the best track record in this movie.

She treasures books, is given her favourite book as a gift and then she lets a sheep eat that same book.

She willingly lets herself be taken prisoner by a ferocious beast. Yanno, instead of getting help, or the police (France does and did have police,  even in such a provincial life.)

She has an entire mansion to explore. She is told by a large, ferocious beast (yup the same one she willingly got imprisoned to) to avoid just a single area. Where does she go next?
You guessed it ...

Not such a smart girly.

And her biggest mistake ...

3.
She turned down this guy!

I'll be honest, I'm biased .... Gaston reminds me of myself.

But look at him! What a handsome man! Muscles! He can sing! He is brave, he even tries to fight a ferocious, terrifying beast in order to save the woman of his dreams ...

And yet, people think he is the villain! Unbelievable!

4.
A recurring theme with Disney films, but the music is incredible in Beauty and the Beast. One of the best films, undoubtedly.

Better than Pocahontas? No, probably not, but a real close second!

5.
Why do I love Beauty and the Beast?

It is one film I can have on, and Gem will curl up next to me and smile the entire way through (She likes movies about Stockholm Syndrome? There's a concerning sign in there somewhere ...)

The movie makes her happy, the music makes her happy .... Yes, it's a brilliant film, but it's more than that, it's a brilliant moment that we have together and that makes it more than brilliant. It makes it Disney.

Of course, it doesn't quite make it a 10/10, oh no ... but there is a 10 coming your way, one of my favourite movies, one I could watch over and over again.

Until then, I leave you with a crazy man, a wonderful crazy man ...

That's a face to love!

"It's not right for a woman to read. Soon she starts getting ideas, and thinking..."

Cinderella - 5 / 10

"Whaaaat???"

Yeah, I hear the cries of disbelief, only a 5 out of 10 for the wonderful Cinderella. 

Well, yes. It's not all that good, actually. 

Don't get me wrong, Cinderella is the quintessential Disney princess. From rags to Princes - Indeed, Prince Charming himself. 

Except ... we don't really know how charming. Because, we don't know all that much about him 

1. 
Prince Charming. A man so amazing that he quite literally made Cinderella fall in love at first sight. Or at least, first dance. 

Maybe I'm not romantic enough (do you even know me? pah!) but I just don't quite buy it. 

I mean, did they want him to be as non-descript as possible? Because they nailed it. 

But I think that's important to this story. Because it isn't a story about Cinderella finding Prince Charming. No, it's a story about her escaping ... and that leads us on to the next point

2. 
It. Is. Brutal. 

Who doesn't know the general story? Cindy (you don't mind if I call you Cindy, do you? no? excellent) is orphaned and left with an increasingly evil step-mother and her step-sisters. 

But what I didn't realise was how they portray this in the movie. 

Disney does not pull punches. I don't know why I didn't expect it - Mufasa being trampled, Nemo's mum, the entire opening of UP ... no, Disney doesn't want to protect us from heartache. 

And that is absolutely fine, Disney does not fear the darkness, so that we can then embrace the light. 

3. 
Cinderella. 

Is there anything more Disney than Cinderella? 

I mean, she is the Disney Princess, for better or worse. 

She speaks to animals, has a fairy Godmother, it's all very romantic ... It's Disney at it's ... finest? A debate for another day. 

4. 
Those mice. 

Eugh. The mice annoyed me a lot. 

Gus. 

Even his name makes me irritated. 

But, they did lead the way for some more entertaining Disney animals in future. 

Thankfully, the dog (Bruno) is pretty chilled. 

I like Bruno. 

5. 
This film saved Disney. 

Regardless of the fact that I found it boring.  

Regardless that it's an awful story for young girls everywhere (love at first sight ... how lovely and unrealistic )

Regardless that it made me want to commit mouse genocide. 

Without this film (and it's mega commercial success), Disney may have gone bankrupt. There would be no Mulan, no Pocahontas, no Nemo, no Lion King, no DisneyWorld etc etc ...

For that reason, Cinderella is possibly one of the most important Disney films, though perhaps not the best (in my opinion, of course).

But, I come back to the castle. That is, of course, one of the highlights of DisneyWorld, and I'm mega looking forward to that!

"Once upon a time in a faraway land, there was a tiny kingdom; peaceful, prosperous, and rich in romance and tradition."

Pocahontas - 8 / 10

Back we go to animation, Pocahontas was one of the more exciting watches of the Disney-a-thon. Weird for a fully grown man to admit, perhaps ... but come on, this is a great movie. 

What I didn't realise was that this movie starred Mel Gibson as John Smith. Would never have guessed. When I was younger I always thought John Smith was pretty cool; The British guy who gets the hottie princess. 

To find out the British guy is not so British ... well, disappointment over here. 

But still, such a gentleman! 

(Let's ignore that actual, true to life story where his gentlemanliness (a new word?) could quite easily be questioned)

Let's get a move on then, what makes this movie so darn awesome?

1. 
The music. 

This may not be the most manly thing to admit, but this still raises hairs on my arms ...

Such. A. Good. Song!

It won an Oscar, too, which is mega deserved. 

And that's not the only amazing song, either! 'Just around the riverbend' is also worth a YouTubing if you want to melt into Disney. 

Awesome.

2. 
Pocahontas is kinda hot. 

I know, that's weird. 

But you know it's true, she is a feisty, pretty Princess. 

3. 
Meeko the raccoon. 

Not only is he a funny animal character done well ... 

But he loves to eat!! 

Which frankly, makes him the most relatable character in the DisneyVerse for me, as anyone reading my wedding diet blog will surely agree with! 

Meets a strange British man? It's cool, he offered food. 

That's my kinda raccoon! Go get them treats, buddy! 

4. 
Percy the Pug. 

That's right, Disney included pugs before they were cool. 

And not only that, but this is a pug that has character development! He starts off a bit pompous, and well ... British. But by the end, he is friends with our food-loving Meeko and is firmly on the side of the good guys. 

Good Percy. 

5. 
Just like Mulan, Pocahontas has some of the most incredibly awesome artwork. No doubt that Disney knew what they were doing when they were crafting worlds in the 90's

All the colours of the wind, indeed. 

So yes, an easy decision to give an 8 out of 10. I toyed with an 8.5, but is this really better than Mulan? I'm not so sure ... 

Apparently there is still a chance I will see 'Pocahontas and her forest friends' at Disneyworld, in the Animal Kingdom. Unfortunately, this doesn't actually sound that good. 

There we are, as a final parting thought - has there ever been a more terrifying sight than a tree turning into an old woman's face?

I didn't think so. 

"Pocahontas, look at me. I'd rather die tomorrow than live a hundred years without knowing you."